On fear and happiness

I got blood work back today. ..it is not good…in fact it’s nothing I want to see. I’m sick…I’ve been nauseous all day and can’t eat. I know my time is limited but I don’t want it to happen so fast..I weigh 104 I’ve lost 6 lbs in less than 2 days. Left wondering how long I will be able to teach..to see people I care about. I don’t want someone watch me die…its my worst fear other than transmitting HIV which lucky has never happened.for that I’m grateful.

I’m so scared…I’ve never been scared. .I’ve always been brave to a fault. The impact of you on me..spending time with you…I don’t think you realize. ..it’s deep..pure. .humbling.

Nutrition has saved me before but I fear my heavy heart is killing me quicker than planned.

All these thoughts…of how if I can do good for you before I go…insane yet possible thoughts..running throw my brain. How I want you to have my health insurance so you can live freely..like I lived for so long..on stolen time.

Fear of causing you emotional pain. Fear of you jumping ship like so many others. Happiness is~ 60-70% predetermined by genetics..but if I can help in the area where we have choices..it’s all I want.

You are a special soul. .I haven’t felt safe around anyone in years…instant trust and loyalty. Please, these are not crazy thoughts. .I’m a rational being…this is honesty.

I’m not scared of death, I’m scared of deterioration and sickness, and of being alone. Today sucks. Today I am grateful. Today I am not brave. Today I am scared.



17 responses to “On fear and happiness

  1. Free from fear cute thang remember that. You can do anything and don’t let some test tell you other wise. Here is a joke to make you smile. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breath through that thing?

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